On September 5, 2000 my world changed forever! It was the week of my birthday and also my mammogram. I had been going every six months because the radiologist had been watching something in my right breast. I had missed my scheduled appointment and was a couple of months late. This is where the chain of events took on a life of their own. If I had ever doubted there was a greater power, I certainly have not since that day.
The appointment began as usual—undress from the waist up; “the smock opens in the front”, wait in the TV room with the other smocketts. You are called into a cold room, told to take off the smock, and lay your boob on an ice cold machine. The technician pulls and tugs—getting your boob just right, then she lowers the torture squeeze. The squeeze stops automatically—then she cranks it down another notch—OUCH! She tells you not to move—like you could locked into the squeeze machine! You can’t even breathe! I was only scheduled for the right breast. The technician said since it was only a couple of months until the annual test, she was going ahead and do both.
Once the pictures are taken you return to the TV room and wait for the film to be reviewed before getting dressed. My tit squeezer came back and told me she needed another picture. It didn’t concern me because we had been going through this for a year now. But it wasn’t the right but the left one she wanted to see. Not one more picture but four! Once again wait. The next time she came for me it was to go see the doctor. She first tried to put me at ease by telling me she is probably overly cautious because she had a mastectomy a couple of years ago—anyway she wanted me to come back the next morning for a needle biopsy. Now I was concerned, not a little but a lot! I went back by work and told my cohort I would be out the next day and went home.
I don’t remember if the crying started that day or the next, but it continues to this day. I saw Sheryl Crow on the Oprah show the other day and she said the same thing. So I feel better about it. I like her a lot so its ok we cry together. There is absolutely no way to explain how you feel—but scared is an understatement. So the next day I go for the biopsy. It HURT! My radiologist was supposed to assist another doctor, but he was not available and she was not waiting so we began. I don’t know how many entries were made into my breast, nor how many times a nerve was hit but I was in excruciating pain. I did not scream but I wanted to. The doc told me she was having the tissue hand delivered to the lab in hopes of getting an early reading.
She called me early the next morning and asked me to come in. She said it was the first time the doctor at the lab personally called her and told her to proceed. My partner accompanied me to the office and we received the news, I had cancer! My body began to shake and the tears fell. My doctor already had an appointment with the surgeon. So off we went. He was precious and had been by his mom’s side when she battled breast cancer. He knew exactly what I was going through. And surgery was scheduled exactly a week from the initial mammogram. That week is still a blur; in fact the whole thing is still surreal. But needless to say, I was taken care of—even if my boob was black and blue from the biopsy. I had a partial mastectomy and radiation.
I was truly one of the lucky ones. It was caught so early and I could not have had more caring and competent doctors. I will always be grateful for the care I received.
I will never be the same. Life became so precious. I have a limited amount of energy and I am very particular how I spend my time. I have learned to say no and I only want to be with people who bring me up. I want to laugh a lot. I want to make good memories. And I don’t want to be around ugly and hateful people. I’m all about love, peace and happiness.
I still cry daily, but it’s not about unhappy or sad stuff. It’s about the extra life I’ve been given and the love I receive and am allowed to give. If you ever hear those scary words, I hope you are as fortunate as I’ve been. In the meantime, don’t wait for that to begin living the life you are meant to live. Find someone who deserves your love and loves you back. Be good to others and most of all be good to yourself.
Peace and love.
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